On this cool summer morning, the weather is beginning to change, and the darkness creeps into the morning; I sit thinking of life and the fragility of it all. I think about the statement: “we never say I wish I had less time.” we as humans tend to believe our lives will go on forever, owed the next day, year, or even lifetime to get it right. We have it in our minds; we have tomorrow to do it right; however, in reality, we are not promised a day or an hour.
I think about all the recent deaths in my life, how each is so different, and what they brought to my life; or took from it recently. My grandson’s mother, my grandchildren’s stepfather, my ex-mother-in-law, my lifelong friend, my neighbor’s dog, and my spiritual mother were all taken at different times in their life.
Some had a long life and asked Jesus to take them home; life events beyond their control snatched others; still, others are taken by life choices and borrowed time with prayers and hope to keep them going.
I wonder about my choices to follow God, leave behind the ‘world’ and do what I believe is the path for me.
I grieve in silence as I take up my cross, put on my armor, and turn to the spiritual line in the sand; my line I will not cross. All of us have that line, some of us move it a little more each day to compromise what the ‘word’ says to make it fit in our lives, but all of us have a line.
I wonder how God chooses when our time is up, how the devil can steal, kill, and destroy our loved ones, and how we find the strength to go on. I only know it is faith, hope, and love; Love of God, love of my path He has put before me, and love of each new day and the opportunity to live it.
It is my choice how I live each day; do I live with regrets? I have to say I do as we all wish we did this or that, and I have memories of what could have been if I had done something differently, but big regrets- no, I don’t.
I guess it is because I give it to God, apologize if I need to, and move on.
I think of what I will leave behind when it is my time, and I hope it is the knowledge of love, faith, and kindness.
I think about my spiritual mother and the life she lived, the gifts she imparted to me, and the love she had for me as a daughter. What a legacy she gave me, but what an honor to be in her life, share her meals, and learn her faith.
Faith is something we learn, earn, and in part to others. Faith is my life source, how I live each day, not knowing what will come, how I will make it one more second, or what I will do. Knowing all I need will be given to me, all I want will be in my heart, and God will see the truth and make it a reality.
Living by faith is hard; at one time, I had no money, no prospects, and three boys to feed. I had nothing in the cupboards to make dinner. I prayed for something to happen; in true God fashion, he brought me money to make dinner. Someone pulled into our driveway accidentally, his car battery died, and I had jumper cables. I let him use my card and cables to start his car, and he gave me $10.00! Supper! hahaha
My faith was questioned with a few recent deaths as I cannot understand or fathom how someone can take another’s life, how cancer can be silent, or how it must feel to want to die (or go to Jesus). I always thought there would be time to go back to California and visit, time to rebuild relationships and time to grow old together.
I ponder on all the amazing things God has done in my life, how he had allowed me to be part of a healing ministry, walk in an anointing that I don’t understand, and live a life of total faith with peace and love, I want to cry and say I don’t regret a minute.
People who can’t or don’t walk as I did do not understand the cost, the sacrifice, or the reward. My heart aches for all the losses in the past few years; my ‘daughter,’ my ‘mother,’ and my ‘friend’ all leave a hole in my life with an emptiness no other can fill. These losses were more than losses in the past. These made me question my faith and life and run to California to say goodbye.
God says, “there is a season for all things,” and one is to grieve. Part of grieving is sadness; we mourn the person not being in our life, the loss they have left in our day, the love we won’t feel when we call, and the smile we don’t see that worms our souls.
Believing we will see each other in glory is fantastic, but it is not enough to help us in the sadness. Time heals if we allow it to do its job. Time is hard to wait on. I am no different, I feel like time is my enemy in grieving, but in reality, it is my savior.
Time waits for no man or woman and goes on. Christian said it perfectly: “my world is falling apart and has imploded, and everyone else is moving on as nothing has happened. They don’t see the tears in my heart or hurt behind my eyes”.
One person does; if you believe in him, God knows the pain, Jesus will take our pain and give us peace in the hurt, but it is always a journey.
My journey has been rocky, but I don’t regret one step. My heart is healing, and I know I have more healing to do, but I am taking it one step at a time. My grief and emptiness from the loss are between my God and me; my tears are collected in a bottle he holds, my heart is wounded, but he encourages me, and my feet are planted, so I don’t run on the wrong path.
God is my salvation; I know not everyone believes as I do, and I respect that. I also know the stages of grief are the same universally, with or without God in your life. I know that I need that strength of faith to help on these cold, quiet, early mornings when the pain of grief is hard to navigate.
Today is hard, looking out the window, knowing the leaves will fall, and the house she died at will be in my morning view. It is hard not to cry thinking of the lives lost and taken too early. It hurts to know my spiritual mother is gone, and I am now deciding how to hold that anointing and what it means for my life.
Changes come as seasons do; how we embrace the change matters. Do we go with love and faith or anger and resentment?